Making Friends in Tulsa is Tough, Let’s Make It Easier
Tulsans share their best advice on how to make friends as adults in Tulsa.
Whoever said making friends as an adult is difficult made the understatement of the century.
Making new friends in Tulsa can present its own challenges. Many people who were raised here grew up with their best friends and wider social network. They went to school together, attended church together, and have known one another since they were little. Some are open to new friends, but many already have their social cliques locked in. If these are the groups you encounter when you’re trying to cultivate a social life in Tulsa, you may think it’s impossible to make new friends here.
However, you’ll find friendly people and opportunities to build real friendships if you take a closer look. Tulsa is full of overlapping communities, chatty people who love striking up conversations in public, and thousands of recent transplants looking to make new friends too.
My Tulsa Friendship Journey
I didn’t know a single person in Tulsa when I moved here three years ago. I’m happy to say that I now have some amazing friends, but it wasn’t all easy getting here. I went through my “finding my people” ordeal for much of my first year. I had a COVID pod with some people in my building, and we kept each other sane and socialized during the winter of 2020. It was fun while it lasted, but the group naturally fell apart in the spring. I had a very close friend my first year whom I’m no longer friends with. I found myself part of another large friend group. I liked individual people, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I didn’t fully belong within the group dynamic.
I remember the birthday celebrations and gifts people in the group organized for each other in the first year: a surprise pool party, a $350 gift card to a spa, a fake kidnapping to a surprise party hosted at The Main Event. For my birthday, my friends in the group sent me a couple “happy birthday” texts and apologies for being out of town or too busy to do anything on my actual birthday. It was gutting. Especially when a few months later, two friends in the group threw a joint party, and others pulled together to get them a surprise gift. I felt sad and out of place.
I saw others quickly find their people and felt like I was doing something wrong. I knew and got along with tons of people in Tulsa, and had close individual friends, but it felt like I was cycling through friend cliques and failing to find the group where I truly belonged. Thankfully, I figured it out. I started being more emotionally honest with myself and others, and less of a people-pleaser, and I directed my time toward what I was passionate about, like writing, the arts, and novel experiences. I auditioned for Theatre Tulsa’s production for Little Shop of Horrors last year and made a great group of friends with some of my fellow actors. I also connected with others involved in producing the musical whom I often see around town.
Everyone has a different experience when it comes to making friends as an adult, so I surveyed friends and people in my community, and they shared their tried-and-true methods for making friends in Tulsa. Spoiler: the big winners were sports leagues and church, but there are still ample ways to make friends in Tulsa for the less athletic or religiously-inclined.
1. Tap into the Communities and Networks that are Right for You
The biggest advantage Tulsa offers when it comes to making new friends is its size. Tulsa is a small city with a big town feel, which means if you make an effort to go out to similar kinds of events and socialize, you’ll inevitably run into some of the same people. Eventually, those “same people” will become people you know, and some can become friends. The serendipitous moments of running into people and building a rapport has been my favorite way of making friends here. Becoming friends with my friends’ friends (how many times can I say “friends?”) has also been fun and fruitful.
Another positive is that I’ve found many of the people who call Tulsa home to be earnest–even the transplants. If someone says “let’s catch up and get a drink!” I expect that one of us will be messaging the other with dates and times within the next couple days. After living in Los Angeles for five years, it’s a breath of fresh air.
That said, it’s easy to miss out on events if you’re new or not tapped into the right circles or newsletters. I recommend seeking out events and groups that you’re interested in, and that lend themselves to helping new people connect and build community. Request to become a member of Experience Tulsa, which curates unique experiences to help Tulsa newcomers connect to the city and other people. Sign up for local business and community newsletters, or follow event promoters on Facebook and Instagram like The Root Tulsa. Attend free social networking events like Atento Capital’s monthly First Friday Mixer or ACT House’s Demo Day, and you’ll meet well-connected people in the entrepreneur “ecosystem” who can point you toward welcoming events and communities of all kinds.
I did have an advantage by moving here with the Tulsa Remote program. It can be your advantage too, even if you can’t officially join the program. Become friends with people in Tulsa Remote when you meet us out in the wild, and you’ll likely end up meeting a ton of new people by osmosis and getting invited as a plus-one to closed events. Everyone in the program uprooted their life to move to Tulsa for a year, and is eager to build a social life and make new friends (especially local friends). Many end up loving Tulsa and settling down past the year mark. Those of us who are notably social tend to take it to the next level: a full calendar of nights out, board game sessions, camping trips, book clubs, parties, bar crawls, hikes, barbecues, themed everythings. You’ll never be bored again if you make some friends in the program. Seriously.
2. Join a Hobby Group, Social Club, or Sports League that Meets Regularly
An Inconvenient Truth: if you want to make friends, you have to go out and do stuff.
Multiple people I spoke with said they made good friends in their church communities, in sports clubs (particularly running clubs like Fleet Feet), and while volunteering. The key is to stick to something that meets REGULARLY, allowing you to get to know people organically and build a rapport. I can’t stress this enough. Once you click with someone, invite them to do something outside of the group where you know them. That’s how the friendship starts.
Let your passion be your guide. Enjoy competitive sports? Join a league at OSSO or find a pickup soccer game. Feeling artsy? Take an eight-week ceramics course at Red Heat or volunteer your style skills with the Oklahoma Fashion Alliance. Are you more of a brunch babe? Find a brunch clique on MeetUp. A budding thespian? Sign up for a community theater audition at Theatre Tulsa. Is food security a major cause of yours? Volunteer with Food Not Bombs or the The Food Bank of Eastern Oklahoma. A busy parent? Try connecting with fellow parents at pick-up and drop-off. More professionally inclined? Join one of the crews at TYPROS based on your interests. Tulsa has a social group that caters to just about every activity.
Choose to join a running club over running a single marathon. Join a writers group over attending a one-off writing seminar. You get the gist. But if you do attend a one-off event, be open and friendly. You could become friends with the person jogging or sitting next to you.
3. Pick a Watering Hole and Become a Regular
Coffee shops, breweries, and dive bars can be your best friends until you meet your best friends. I run into someone I know every time I go to Chimera without fail. Dive bars like Red’s Bar, The Whittier Bar, The Hunt Club, and Mercury Lounge are great places to sit at the bar and strike up conversations with the bartenders or patrons.
Get familiar with the crowd that gathers at certain spots and then attend that business’s events. Each place has its own vibe. Local brewery Heirloom Rustic Ales is a cute spot in Kendall Whittier that regularly hosts comedy nights, open mics, holiday potlucks, clothing swaps, charity auctions, and more. Vintage Wine Bar is a swanky place to relax and write. Mercury Lounge is a popular venue that features artists in residence, out of town legends, and original Tulsa artists across bluegrass, honkey tonk, punk, and country, just about every night. Tulsa Creative Engine has hosted its Select Showcase at Mercury Lounge, bringing in DJs, new bands, and hip hop artists. The friendly music-loving crowd will welcome you.
Check out different spots, get to know the crowd, and figure out which one matches your vibe.
4. Talk to Your Neighbors
“Get to know your neighbors! Both when I lived in an apartment in the Blue Dome and now living in a house, my neighbors have been so friendly. My next-door neighbor and I now regularly walk our dogs and grab coffee together.” - Annika
Meeting your neighbors is a great way to start building bonds and community, especially in a city where people still say “hello” to strangers on the street. Plenty of my friends know their neighbors and have porch chats, BBQs, holiday parties, and more. A woman I recently met said that her neighbor saw that her grass was getting overgrown and offered to bring his goats over to “mow” it for her! Even if you don’t become best friends, knowing your neighbors’ names, sharing resources, and looking out for one another is a plus for all. The loose connections that make up our social networks can add significant value to our lives and “research shows that building networks of casual acquaintances can boost happiness, knowledge and a sense of belonging.”
See if your neighborhood has a social group online and introduce yourself. Mine has an active one on Facebook; yours might too.
5. Be Open and Friendly (even when it’s tough)
I can’t understate how far a smile and a positive attitude will carry you when you’re out and about. Take out your earbuds, put your phone away, and look alive. Start talking to people. Yes. Just start talking to people. It’ll feel weird at first, but as you build the muscle, it’ll get easier and you’ll grow in confidence. There are people here who’ve made friends by chatting with a stranger in the aisle at Walgreens or asking someone at a bar or cafe to borrow a pen.
I know how hard it can be to get out of your shell around new people. I say this as a socially active introvert and former shy kid. Being friendly and confident while talking to strangers is a skill that took me a lot of time, effort, and awkward experiences to build. It will feel uncomfortable or vulnerable, but try to push through the discomfort by simply practicing. The benefit of opening up in Tulsa is that people are generally chatty and open to small talk. Turning “people you chit chat with” into “actual friends” is another thing, but the practice is good in the long run. You may have to open yourself to the possibility of rejection, and, yes, that part definitely sucks, but your future self will thank you for getting out of your comfort zone now.
Here’s an easy one: if someone invites you to a party, backyard BBQ, or any kind of general gathering, GO. Meeting people through people you know is one of the best ways to make new friends.
6. Ask for Intros
Just moved to Tulsa? Put out a blast on social media. Announce that you’ve moved to T-Town and ask your friends, family, and network if they know anyone here that they think you should meet. Request connections. No response the first time? Ask again, or post on a different platform. If you already know a few people here, ask them to invite you along to event hangouts or co-host a party with someone. You never know who knows someone.
7. Be the Initiator
You’ve put yourself out there, joined some hobby groups, and started getting to know people, but you’re not making the connections you’d been hoping to, and maybe you haven’t been invited to hangout with anyone yet. Ouch.
Yes, it hurts, but now it’s time to change tactics and become The Initiator. How can you become The Initiator? Think about any of the people you’ve met in Tulsa who you’d like to get to know better. Who do you think of first? Ask that person if they want to check out an event you both expressed interest in. Have you met two to three people who expressed interest in playing board games? Organize a Catan night at Shuffles Board Game Cafe and put your soon-to-be-friends in a group chat (group chats are key early on). Keep running into someone at networking events who you click with? Ask if they want to go get lunch with you. In my experience, most people like going to lunch.
Know that other people will appreciate you making the effort to get them together, especially during a time in the world when a lot of people are struggling with loneliness and isolation. Good friendships make us healthier and happier, and your good Tulsa friends are out there waiting.
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Thanks for writing this, it give me a start on what I can do to meet people and what I can do to improve. Found this (I assume) on your Reddit post.
this is the most honest and detailed guide for adult friendship. loved reading this!